finally i enjoyed my first early day since back to sch from attachments.. in fact the aim in staying at home instead of gg out is to clear the 100 over video clips that are in my computer and they are causing my com to lag.. however i din manage to watch anything since i'm back home at 1 plus. first i was searching for the OTTP 1B case study for the pre-yr 2 as they needed them for their triple jump. nxt i was helping them so filter out some references and type them out for them as some need them urgently for research. then clearing the mess that i have created juz now.. finally when i have the time to watch the video clips.. goosh i juz can't focus not even on my 56 shows.. my mind was juz wandering ard..
In fact wat Michelle had said last night had a great impact on me. ever since then i have been pondering abt it and there were a lot of flashbacks at the same time... actually wat she said is true. I shldn't be keeping still and just want for a change. I need to move on. i know that i am not in the era which the girls have no choice in their relationship matters. I know i need to be ASSERTIVE and fight for myself.. but thinking in another way, wat do I have for me to fight? I dun possess the qualities that he is looking for at all. being one of his close girl friends in his early sec life, i certainly know that he likes girls who are gentle, pretty, sweet, not as competence as him and slim.. looking at these, i dun even have a stand. may be you may be thinking "that's his secondary sch mindset". i admitted that i used to think that i have a chance as his some of his friends and his ex-classmates after my secondary school days kept on giving false hopes by telling mi that he liked mi but bcoz of his buddies who don't really like mi, he didn't dare to put his friendship at risk. in fact he did give me false hope too-- for no reason he came to my place and gave me 2 cds... but now i can really tell u i really stand no chance. my hopes are shattered after a rare casual sms conversation 2yr ago.. shld i juz admit that i am a failure in life?? yes i do.
as aud has said, everyone has changed, esp when both of us haven really been meeting since sec 4 and i might not like the way he is now.. why shld i keep entangling myself with it. i know it's time to let go... i need to move on but i did try to come out of it.. i always that i have managed to let it go whenever i had a crush on someone or when i had a boyfriend.. but due to my occasion accidental meeting him on the street, i realised that they were just substitutes.. they just happened to have some similiarities with him. and dunnoe when he has been a yardstick in my heart. i know that it's bad to say that but i can't deceive myself. at the end of the day, he occupies a greatest portion of my heart.
i am satisfied just to have his news from our common friends, i just want to know whether he is doing fine or not.. i dun wish "reappear" in his life and cause a major havoc out of it. as for myself, i understand that i'm not ready to accept any relationships until i really know that i have let go of it. i dun think i will be that daring as compared to my younger days.. i really have no courage now.. all i can do is to hope that happiness will always be with him.
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